Actresses Who Release Albums

So even though Scarlett Johansson’s album was laughable and Emmy Rossum’s record atrocious, Hayden Panettiere STILL insists on releasing her first single.

Listen, if you were legitimately a good singer, wouldn’t we KNOW that by now? This hasn’t worked FOR ANYONE. Singers-turned-actresses sometimes pull it off. But the other way around? Nope. Never. NEVER EVER EVER.

Plus, Hayden is already annoying. There is no way I’d watch her twirl around in a music video. Unless, of course, she got hit by a bus…

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Louis Vuitton’s Camouflage Line

What the fuck is this? Are you as confused as me?

Let me get this straight. Louis Vuitton took the most PLAYED-OUT pattern in the world, slapped their logo on it, called it a fashionable idea and then stocked the shelves? I proclaim anyone who buys this handbag an immediate fucking idiot. It’s ugly, unoriginal, and trendy in the worst sense of the word.

Check minus, Louis Vuitton. Check minus.

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The Dick That Hit My Car

Some douchebag felt that it was normal behavior to sideswipe my license plate and leave it hanging without leaving a note. Well, asshole, that’s not how things work. If you hit a car and damage it in ANY way, you write a fucking note. You take responsibility for it. And you PAY TO HAVE IT FIXED. Tell me again why I should have to pay for your total and complete inability to drive in a straight line?

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Celebrity Breakups

I think Justin Long is ass ugly but I was happy he was seeming to make Drew Barrymore happy cause she seems to have a hard time finding normal people to keep her attention. He seemed normal for her and they both gushed and kissed everytime the press was around and everyone was just honky doory.

Maybe that should have tipped me off.

And now, today, the news is out that they are done. That these two HAPPY and IN LOVE people are indeed NOT happy and NOT in love.

I’m sick and tired of getting invested in these releationships that only last a year at most. And why, can I ask, do all the WEIRD couplings last (TomKat) and the seemingly normal couples (case in point) break up?

WHY CAN’T THEY ALL JUST GET ALONG?

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Blackberrys That Dial When Bumped

Why do I have to worry about locking and unlocking the keys on my phone? Either I consiously dial a number or I don’t. This bullshit of the blackberry accidentially getting bumped and accidentially calling someone doesn’t fly anymore.

Especially when you accidentially call your CEO during a gyno appointment and the whole thing’s caught on his voicemail.

Fucking blackberrys.

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Madonna. Still.

I thought I just hated her 4 Minutes video, but I think I just fucking hate everything about her. Her fake british accent. Her fake divorce. Her fake marriage. Her fake smiles.

She just keeps popping up. And it’s ANNOYING.

Yes, I realize she is a huge influence in the music world, and has been for 30 years. But I think I’ve just reached my limit.

You’re 50, dude. Stop rolling around on stages and doing duets with today’s youngest stars so that you appear younger. You’re not. Move over and let the next huge influence take the mic.

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5-Day Work Weeks

So I just found out that government workers in Utah are moving to a mandatory 4-day work week. Instead of doing 40 hours over 5 days, they’re working 4 10-hour days. EVERY WEEK. So they permanently have 3-day weekends EVERY SINGLE WEEK. Lucky bastards.

I feel like everyone else is getting fucked in this arrangement. It’s such a trememously good idea — but the chance of people adopting it universally is close to nil. So these utah folks are just going to dangle their good fortune in our faces as we continue to drag our asses into work all five days of the week. 

First polygamy and now this? Utah’s got some good ideas…

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