Heidi Montag

This thing is the worst human speciman on the planet. Actually, scratch that. Her fucking AWFUL husband Spencer Pratt is the worst human speciman on the planet, but this blonde bimbo comes in a close second. (Don’t worry, Spencer’s gonna get his own post but I’m just too fired up about Heidi to dive into his douchebaggery just yet.)

Heidi? Sweetie? Um, I’m not sure how to tell you this, but, you look RE-FUCKING-TARDED when you try and make sexy faces at the camera. I mean, you literally look like something is WRONG with you. I don’t know who told you that holding your lips in that awkward position was cute, but trust me, it’s not. You like like a fucking cartoon fish.

Also, what the fuck happened at Miss Universe? First of all, why were you even performing there? Who did you dupe into thinking you’re an actual talent? Second, what the fuck was that performance? Last time I checked, you aren’t Britney Spears circa 2000 performing at the VMAs. You’re Heidi Lameass Montag and you’re performing at the 2009 Miss Universe. Your poorly-recycled attempt at recreating Ms. Spears’ previously mentioned performance was insulting to each and ever viewer who was forced to sit through your “show.” Frankly, it was abysmal and embarrassing. Please don’t make the mistake of performing again (or thinking that people care. Cause we don’t. I PROMISE.)

In the spirit of being fair, you have a nice rack. Even though it’s fake. But I can’t get there on the nose. Or the hair. Or the face. But, I am willing to admit you have nice tits.

But UGH, you make me sick. And your little dog too.