How Magazines Leak All Their Stories Online Before the Fucking Issue Comes Out

I like this magazine. I like Vanity Fair so much, in fact, that I subscribe to it; I’m on the books to receive issues from now until 2013, and I’ve been reading it for years.

But here’s the deal. I like holding the magazine in my hands and reading it. And lately I can’t really do that.

And here’s why: Today, September 2, 2009, Vanity Fair leaked details and quotes from another interview Levi Johnston gave about Sarah Palin. (She suggested hiding Bristol’s pregnancy so her and Todd could just adopt the baby and then he’d be free to go on his merry little way.) Ooooh! Interesting.

But here’s the deal … that story is in the OCTOBER issue.

Again, today is September 2. I still haven’t had a chance to crack open the SEPTEMBER issue and truth be told, I haven’t felt a huge urge to read it, because VF leaked every goddamn story that sounded interesting over a month ago. (Those include, but are not limited to, the Ryan O’Neal interview where he admits he hit on Tatum at Farrah’s funeral; the Ruth Madoff profile; the Mad Men photo album.)

So what am I subscribing to, exactly?

I realize that Vanity Fair isn’t the only magazine that’s doing this. Glamour does it, Details does it, Playboy does it, InStyle does it. THEY ALL DO IT. (Though, to be fair, it doesn’t help that I work in a media environment that’s hellbent on covering the covers, too; I probably get exposed to article spoilers more than the average subscriber does. Trust me, I get it: PVs and UVs!) And, to be balanced, there are other, non-leaked stories inside each of those publications, but as a reader and as a writer, it disappoints me that there are no more surprises waiting in the mailbox.

I don’t have a nice fancy bow to put on this, other than: Magazines, stop being such fucking whores.

Heidi Montag

This thing is the worst human speciman on the planet. Actually, scratch that. Her fucking AWFUL husband Spencer Pratt is the worst human speciman on the planet, but this blonde bimbo comes in a close second. (Don’t worry, Spencer’s gonna get his own post but I’m just too fired up about Heidi to dive into his douchebaggery just yet.)

Heidi? Sweetie? Um, I’m not sure how to tell you this, but, you look RE-FUCKING-TARDED when you try and make sexy faces at the camera. I mean, you literally look like something is WRONG with you. I don’t know who told you that holding your lips in that awkward position was cute, but trust me, it’s not. You like like a fucking cartoon fish.

Also, what the fuck happened at Miss Universe? First of all, why were you even performing there? Who did you dupe into thinking you’re an actual talent? Second, what the fuck was that performance? Last time I checked, you aren’t Britney Spears circa 2000 performing at the VMAs. You’re Heidi Lameass Montag and you’re performing at the 2009 Miss Universe. Your poorly-recycled attempt at recreating Ms. Spears’ previously mentioned performance was insulting to each and ever viewer who was forced to sit through your “show.” Frankly, it was abysmal and embarrassing. Please don’t make the mistake of performing again (or thinking that people care. Cause we don’t. I PROMISE.)

In the spirit of being fair, you have a nice rack. Even though it’s fake. But I can’t get there on the nose. Or the hair. Or the face. But, I am willing to admit you have nice tits.

But UGH, you make me sick. And your little dog too.

W Magazine’s Celebrity Photo Shoots

I am sick and fucking tired of W Magazine. Particularly their celebrity photo spreads. Every month, the “editors” put a featured celebrity in the most fucked up situation they can conjure up — and then call it entertainment. (I specifically do NOT choose the word journalism because it most certainly is NOT that. And I can’t, just CAN’T call it fashion either. Leather balls in a person’s mouth or shoestrings as underwear do NOT count as fashion. Unless it’s an S&M mag. Is W? Is that how they’re branding themselves these days? Didn’t think so.)

Let’s take the current issue with Bruce Willis:

WHAT THE FUCK. I can’t imagine how the photo direction went on this. “Hey John MaClaine, I mean, Bruce. Can you curl up in the fetal position and wear these red leather gloves? Masculine? OF COURSE IT’S MASCULINE buddy! Trust us….”

I’ve just had it with magazines pulling this shit. Do I like innovative and interesting photography? Yes. Do I like it when celebrities are exploited or sensationalized to get it? No.

This applies to you too V Magazine. Fucktards.

Long-Distance Runners

Here’s something I just learned recently: Runners are fucking scumbags.

You’re going to have to trust me on the details here, because a lot of the sites I would use as resources have some pretty fucking nasty photos, but, seriously, RUNNERS ARE FUCKING SCUMBAGS.

Ok, hold on, let me compose myself, and present the jury with some anecdotal evidence.

During last year’s Boston marathon, runners dropped their pants and took shits ON THE SIDEWALKS.
Same thing happened in London’s marathon.
The organizers of Washington, DC’s 10-mile cherry blossom run almost lost their permit after last year’s run because so many runners were pissing and shitting ON THE MONUMENTS.
And, just to bring it home, my cousin ran in this year’s cherry blossom run in DC, and told me afterward that, at mile three, SHE SHIT HER PANTS AND JUST KEPT RUNNING.
DO YOU HEAR THAT WORLD? SHE SHIT HER PANTS AND RAN ANOTHER SEVEN MILES WITH A BIG FUCKING LOAD IN HER SHORTS AND DRIBBLING DOWN HER FUCKING LEGS.

Keep in mind that this is all happening IN PUBLIC. OTHER PEOPLE ARE AROUND.

And, the thing is, this happens every year, this is just the first time I’ve ever heard of it.

What really gets me, though, is that runners think they are fucking awesome. They’ll go on and on and on about runner’s high and doing ironmans and seven-minute miles and blah-dee-fucking-BLAH. And then, the next thing you know, they are shitting on sidewalks, or, in some cases, SHITTING THEMSELVES. During the race.

Seriously, when it comes to that point, it’s time for you to get a new fucking hobby.

Scumbags.

Your Insipid Little Jokes About My Injury

I have torn cartilage in my knee. It is an injury I sustained playing sports, and it is an injury that will require surgery to repair.

Because of that, until I actually have the surgery, I walk with a limp. Sometimes, if I know I have to do a lot of walking, I’ll bring a cane to lean on, to help with the limping.

The limp is enough to make people stare, add the cane into the equation, and it’s like I become a novelty that every fucking person in the world cannot resist making a crack to or about.

People of the world, I know you think you’re being clever and original, but, seriously:

The House reference has been made.
The Barbaro reference has been made.
The Tiny Tim reference has been made.
The Mr. Peanut reference has been made.
The Dr. Kerry Weaver reference has been made.

ANY FUCKING CHARACTER OR CELEBRITY YOU CAN THINK OF WHO WALKS WITH A CANE, I HAVE ALREADY FUCKING HEARD IT.

You’re not being original — if you were, you would be able to tell, because I would laugh, instead of giving you my patented LOOK OF DEATH — and seriously, it just isn’t really funny.

I’m in pain.
(I can’t even fucking sleep at night.)
I can’t do 99% of the things I like to do.
I feel incredibly fucking vulnerable.
(I’m a great target for muggers, right?)
MRIs and surgery are fucking expensive.

So let’s stop making a fucking joke about it, OK?

This Magazine Cover

Fuck fuck fuck. I don’t even know where to begin. This cover’s got me all pissed off. I mean, REALLY? REALLY? Two young girls licking an ICE CREAM CONE? Come on.

Ugh! At least Leighton (she’s the one on the right for all of you living under a big fucking rock) is having some fun with it. Her expression seems to say, “this is pretty friggin’ ridiculous but hey, I’m famous and cute and will just smile for the camera.” Meanwhile, Blake, who I actually REALLY want to like, didn’t get that same memo. Instead, she’s trying to be all sultry. And frankly, she looks fucking retarded. Here’s the deal: I’m aware when other women are doing things that are hot and I can appreciate (COUGH imitate) it. But this is just embarrassing and gross and insulting.And her boobs! Jesus.

And, talk about lowest common denominator. Really? THIS IS A MUSIC MAGAZINE. GOD DAMN IT.

FUCK.

How Facebook Thwarts My Misanthropy

Everyone and my mother are bitching about the new Facebook redesign. I keep hearing things like “It looks too much like Twitter!” and “I can’t find anything!” and “That sidebar sucks!”

I honestly don’t know or care whether those people have valid concerns — part of me thinks they’re just resistant to change, and well, that’s just too fucking bad for them. Technology moves forward.

What bothers me personally about the new redesign is the existence of one functionality but the lack of its polar opposite.

I’m talking about the little thumbs-up ‘Like’ button.

So if I make my status “is engaged!” or “is pregnant!” everyone has the option to comment or to like that statement. Fine. Get it.

Let’s say my status is “is going to need surgery” or “was in a car accident yesterday!” People have the same options – to comment, to or like it. But, and, forgive me for the capital letters: WHO THE FUCK IS GOING TO ‘LIKE’ A STATEMENT ALONG THOSE LINES?

No one.
So why not have dislike functionality?
A little fucking ‘Thumbs Down’?
Why not?
Represent both sides.
Life isn’t always good and happy.
Bad stuff happens.
Also, some people suck and they write fucking stupid things.
So WHY THE FUCK do I have to like everything, Facebook?

(On a related note, think about how useful that ‘Dislike’ button would be when all your little stay-at-home mom friends start posting about how rewarding it is to be a mom! How cute the kids are! How blessed she and her husband are! How clever her child is! DISLIKE. DISLIKE. DISLIKE.)

That I Don’t Have a Dishwasher in My Apartment

I know. I shouldn’t have rented this place knowing it didn’t have a dishwasher, but when you’re moving across country, you don’t have a lot of time or options and sometimes, you sacrifice the dishwasher for a kickass view of the water. So fuck off.

Anyway, I’m stuck now in an apartment without a dishwasher and I have to tell you, I fucking hate it. It’s my duty to do the dishes after dinner (he cooks, I clean) and it is fucking RIDICULOUS that in the year 2009 I’m scrubbing utensils and plates in the goddamn sink. I get that I live in an old building with lots of period touches and blah blah blah but for the love of god, PUT IN A FUCKING DISHWASHER.

And while you’re at it, add a garbage disposal and a refrigerator that isn’t 3 feet tall too.

It’s 2009, people.

Idiot Doctors

Dear Doctors,

If one of my complaints is that I can’t hear, then something is wrong with my ears. If a patient comes in and tells you they can’t hear and then also tells you they have an EXTENSIVE history of ear problems, don’t you think this might deserve more than 2 seconds of investigation? You don’t see anything wrong with my ear? LOOK AGAIN!

And when you hand me a prescription, TELL ME WHAT IT’S FOR. It’s pretty fucking annoying that I had to ASK YOU what was wrong with me and why you were giving me medicine. And remind me again, why a person complaining of a cough and an earache NEEDS AN EKG? i mean, WHAT?

And my last comment — don’t ask me about my iPhone. And certainly don’t ask if you can HOLD my iPhone and then if you can TOUCH it! That’s correct folks, this doctor took my iphone and played with it for about 5 minutes. Fucker.

In conclusion, I’m never going back to that shoddy office again and I think you suck at your job.

Douche.

This Magazine Cover

I contemplated whether or not I should write this since I do like Jenna Fischer very much. But after going back and forth, I decided I fucking hated this cover so much I had to go off.

First of all, this photo looks NOTHING like Jenna. I’m not sure if it’s photo-shopping, fake tanning, or what, but she looks unrecognizable. Secondly, her teeth look weird, right? Or maybe I’ve just never seen her smile like that.  But I think what I hate the most are her eyes. She looks drugged out and half asleep. It’s just not flattering. I think my problem is, it’s nice when some of the more “real” actresses grace magazine covers instead of the Jennifer Anistons and Angelina Jolies all the time. But it’s almost like the magazine editors purposely fuck up those covers…

I mean, who ARE the editors who selected this photo for the cover? Were the hundreds of other shots THAT BAD that this one was indeed the best? I just don’t buy it.

Jenna, I think you’re great. Funny and endearing. But I hope you gave the magazine some slack for this photo, cause you look like shit.

(And by the way, where did they get that dress? Forever 21? It looks super cheap and crappy. And how many shades of purple can we squeeze onto the cover? 12? 13? Her shoes are shitty too. Man, I fucking hate this cover. And this magazine for that matter.)